you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize