On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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