you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She bit a glass in half.
Semen is not good for contacts.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
