Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
