I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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