is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I just blew my weed a kiss
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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