I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
