I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
