I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
