I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize