She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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