i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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