if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I have demons in me.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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