Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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