im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
