Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
