I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
