well I can't set my house on fire every night
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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