Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Enjoy the penises
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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