those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I haven't been this sober since birth.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
