I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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