and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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