Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Can I color on your dick again?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize