Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
