so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
