im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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