I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize