if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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