I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
