Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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