I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize