Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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