why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
