I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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