I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
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