I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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