your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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