Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize