My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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