Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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