Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
