Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
