Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Randomize
