Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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