You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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