Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Acid is not a monday night drug
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
