I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
