Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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