so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
