A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
literally had 100 drinks last night.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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