we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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