girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
