Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize