I want to have your abortion
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
