i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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