The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize