You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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