I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
