Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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