I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
