they need to just BURY HIM!
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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