No awkward lesbian experiences without me
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
