I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
dude i'm inner monologue high
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
