so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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