Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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