why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
