That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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